Young scientist’s exhibition

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on January 14th, 2005

Isn’t it great to see all the mini-boffins doing their thing in the Young Scientist’s Exhibition? Not only do they get to feck around with chemicals and lab equipment they get a few days off school too. I remember applying to my school to enter and was told that none of my suggested scientific experiments was suitable to represent my fine educational institution in public. Personally I can’t see what the problem was, but I’ll let you decide as I bring you my list.

Danataur: In this experiment I was going to surgically remove Dana’s head and transplant it onto a bull. The school said their insurance wouldn’t cover it in case anything happened to the bull.

Sinclair C500: This experiment would have seen me modify Sir Clive Sinclair’s geeky electric transportation device with a 500CC Honda engine. I then planned to have eldery people race off against each other on a dangerous track with leaps and tight corners to see if competitiveness decreased as people got older.

The bum blindfold test: I would line up three volunteers who would drop their pants and present their bums to the air. Then I would blindfold priests and have them fondle the buttocks of the volunteers, one of whom was an underage boy. What sort of success ratio would the priests have? I never found out.

The Hothouse Flowers test: After hearing ‘Don’t go’ on the radio for the six billionth time I wanted to see if scruffy vagrant singer Liam Ó Maonlaí could sing in tune while being repeatedly punched in the face. Had this experiment proven successful it would have opened a whole new world which could have stopped JJ72 from ever existing, but sadly it was too late to prevent Something Happens from happening.

Alternative fuels: What if we could move away from fossil fuels? It would help the environment and put an end to the evil oil cartels that dictate the world’s economy. Sadly my request to use the school lab to fashion an alternative to petrol made from the blood and brain stem fluid of travellers was turned down.

Multi-function remote control: Wouldn’t it be great if we had one remote control that we use to operate all kinds of appliances in the house? The TV, video recorder, lights, cooker, toaster, fridge, radio, the lot. After much work I finally found the solution but the cost of importing the slaves from even the poorest countries was prohibitive, as was the law.

Dickie Rock: With this experiment I wanted to pound Dickie Rock with rocks on his dick. Just for larks, like.

Cross breeding: I wanted to see what would happen if you crossed a lady with a mammoth. My early works were quite successful until one night the creature I’d bred escaped from the lab. Mary Harney went on to forge a very successful career in Irish politics.

How squid can affect life out of the water: My contention was that if you got a number of people into a room then smothered them with 3 tons of squid that the people would be affected. So I rounded up some homeless and Canadian people and carried out the experiment. What it showed was that both the squids and humans sucked the life out of each other leaving me with a lot of cleaning up and explaining to do.

Acid puppies: I wanted to see if it was possible for dogs to hallucinate so I gathered up a couple of puppies and gave them both a tab of acid. After a while both dogs began to run headfirst into the wall. They kept doing that for a long time and the only thing I managed to prove was that if you give Labrador puppies a tab of acid they’ll start running headfirst into a wall. The school would not allow me to purchase more acid or more puppies so I tried it on first years in the school and I can state with great certainty that they did hallucinate. One of them mistook our failed thespian and hopelessly gay English teacher for the devil and leapt out of a window. Luckily for him it was a ground floor window. Unluckily for him he now looks like the love child of Gary Moore and Simon Weston after the glass shattered all over his face.

They were just some of my experiments that never made the Young Scientist’s Exhibition. Good luck to everyone taking part.