It’s a record - Dublin sucks blogger is a liar

by Twenty Major on December 3rd, 2004

Over 250 people visited Twenty Major yesterday and may I commend you all on your impeccable taste and distinction. Just need another 5,999,999,975 people to have almost everyone on earth reading me.

Ok, so we don’t know if Dubloon is a girl, or Canadian or American, but what we can be sure of is that they’re most definitely a cunt and despite having no email address on the site or any other way of people getting in touch they still manage to post ;feedback’ from their readers. That makes them a fabricator and a big fat liar, I reckon.

Turn your comments back on Dubloon. They’re far more entertaining than the rest of your insipid blog and many people have been in touch with me to say that after reading your site they’re now smoking on buses in the hope that you’ll tell them to stop so that they can punch you in the kidneys. With some kind of bat.

Now that’s what I call three stories in one

by Twenty Major on December 3rd, 2004

First up for the Axe Tax is Judge Desmond Hogan who let a man who bought 539 images of children being fucked and buggered and God knows what else go free from court with a €1,000 fine and a suspended sentence.

Fucking shitfaced clusterfuck of a motherless cunt. I can’t even count how many times I’ve seen these kinds of sentences handed out in Ireland. It’s bullshit and it’s not fucking good enough. They’re doing nothing to solve the problem, nothing to deter other sick paedos from paying for this filth and helping the whole industry spew out more and more of the kind of stuff that would quite honestly make me take to castrating to the cunts involved if I ever got near them.

Fucking judges. Now watch as some kid gets 18 months for stealing a video game from HMV. Dicks.

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A former Glenroe actor yesterday won a court case against a publican who refused to serve him because he was a traveller. I’m sure he’s now welcomed with open arms every time he goes into that pub. Wouldn’t the fella have been better off getting on his donkey, or stealing someone’s car and going somewhere else, stopping to burgle a few houses along the way?

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Finally, did you know RTE reporter Charlie Bird’s name is not actually Charlie Bird? Twenty Major can reveal his real name is actually ‘Lorcan McMahon’ and that the moniker he uses on television is a nickname given to him because he likes to take cocaine and fuck emus.

True.

The budget

by Twenty Major on December 2nd, 2004

So Brian Cowen gave us his first budget yesterday and there was all sorts of stuff in it about raising taxes, increased social welfare payments and other tedious crap. The main talking point was the fact that there has been no increase in taxes on alcohol or cigarettes which means at least somebody in the Government recognises that they’re fucking fleecing us already and any increase would be taking the fucking piss.

If I was Minister for Finance though I’d make a few changes to the budget and levy some taxes where they’re needed most.

- I’d make homeless people pay €10 a night to sleep in doorways. The wear and tear they cause to pavements is not inconsiderable and it might spark the fuckers into getting off their ringworm ridden arses and getting a job. The same would apply to beggars, they’d have to pay daily for their ‘pitch’.

- Anyone caught wearing ‘bling-bling’ style jewellery would have to pay a surcharge of 110% of the value of the jewellery if they wanted to enter the city centre. State of the art scanning devices would be placed at convenient locations to signal those wearing the stuff. If they refused to pay they would be made fellate a donkey and have their jewellery melted down into a giant statue of me giving the finger to the people of Coolock.

- Girls wearing rugby tops with a jumper thrown across their shoulders will now have to pay an annual €235 stuck-up cunt tax. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you what happens if they don’t pay.

- I’d increase the tax on all Brian McFadden CDs by 1456,000,000,000,000%

- There would be a special Chris de Burgh tax where the little Argie gnome would have to pay me 75% of all his earnings, past and present, as punishment for Lady in Red and that fucking cunty song about God and the Devil playing cards on a train. Any default in payments will mean that I will continue to hold his Miss World daughter’s eyebrows captive.

- Judges who allow child abusers and viewers of child pornography go free from their courts will be subjected to a hatchet levy. The so-called ‘Axe Tax’ means I get to hack off one of their limbs with a rusty axe. The utter cunts.

- There would be ‘Hoynikken’ tax as drinkers in D4 and beyond are punished for their ridiculous pronunciation.

- The SIMON community would be charged 50% of all their charity income until they changed their name to something more manly, like the ANTO or FITZER community.

- I would introduce a stammer tax for people in public office. They’d be charged €1000 per stutter. I expect big earnings from Bertie and I’d have to send spies to the European parliament to pick up the millions I’d make off Proinsias De Rossa.

- People from Offaly would have to pay €25,000 a year each for being shovel-handed, pig fucking, muck savages.

- There would be a beard amnesty. People with long grey beards would be exempt from all kinds of taxes. Obvious exceptions to this would be Ronnie Drew (who would be taxed double) and newsreader Anne Doyle (the make-up people in RTE do a fantastic cover up job, but you should see her around Rathmines when she’s off-duty. If she wears red she’s got a line of kids following her coz they think it’s Santa).

- Finally there would be a Gavin Lambe Murphy tax. This tax would involve a one off payment of everything he owns after which there would be a one off rebate which would consist of him being shot in the face with rocket launcher.

Stick that, Cowen. That’s how you make a budget.

World AIDS day

by Twenty Major on December 1st, 2004

Today is World AIDS Day. I remember when we first learned about the disease and were subjected to all kinds of horrific adverts on the telly. Wasn’t there one with a coffin and a condom? Anyway, years on and we still have no cure, more people are infected than ever before and I’d say awareness amongst young people is much less than it was when I was a teenager (all those years ago).

Of course back then it was easy to avoid AIDS, you just didn’t have to anal sex with a man because AIDS was a gayer’s disease. It was also easy to blame sailors for spreading it because they went to Africa and had anal sex with men who caught the disease by having sex with monkeys. Another thing you had to make sure was not to share a cup with someone or sit on the same toilet seat as someone with AIDS because it would sit and wait on the toilet seat and go up your arse when you were having a poo. I was never a big fan of Princess Diana, the doe eyed slapper, but the pictures of her hugging people quite literally eaten up with the disease did a lot to blow away the misconceptions about the illness.

“Oh, look. Rock Hudson. Freddie Mercury. Liberace. All masters of the art of cheeky bum sex. So it’s ok for me to do what I like.”

Nice try, dimwit, but it doesn’t work like that. See that gorgeous girl over there with the great body who’s been casting you amorous glances all night? She could have it. Is she wearing a YMCA outfit with a big moustache and listening to Barbara Streisand on her iPod? Get real.

Now we’re in an era of promiscuity and casual sex. Pregnant 14 year olds, binge drinking and indiscriminate trouser and knicker dropping every weekend and if you’re so drunk you can hardly remember your name, where you live or what the girl whose tits you’re playing with looks like how likely is it that you’re going to remember to use a condom? Kids these days need to be scared about it because I don’t think it’s even something that crosses their minds before they go to bed/up an alley with someone.

Of course drugs these days can keep the disease is check with much greater effect than even a few years ago, but that’s not really the point. We have a whole continent of people dying from AIDS every day and ignorant, obstinate governments refusing to help their people, drug companies who could manufacture generic drugs at a tiny percentage of their branded products refusing to sell, and all the while the epidemic spreads and the statistics become scarier and scarier.

Sorry to be all serious today, but once a year is all right. Isn’t it?