Toys for Christmas

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on December 10th, 2004

Amidst all the flashy MP3 players, Playstations and Xboxes, DVDs and other hi-tech wizardry wouldn’t it be great to see some of the toys our generation grew up with make a return to their rightful place underneath the tree this Christmas?

Obviously we’d have to make a few small modifications but I think these toys and games could be a winner again:

Simon: In the old version coloured lights flashed and made a tone, you had to repeat the sequence for as long as possible. In the new version the principal is the same. The lights flash, a tone is sounded but if you get it wrong you have your name changed by deed poll to Simon and you have to run up and down your street and yell ‘Everyone, MY NAME IS SIMON!’ but you have to do it with your tongue stuck into your bottom lip like a spazzer.

Twister: To sort out the problem of illegal immigrants and bogus asylum seekers each new game of Twister comes with 2 Bosnians, a Ukranian and a Nigerian. Kids make their new slaves play the game and when one fails to display appropriate suppleness the others twist his neck until he dies. The winner of each games gets Irish residency. Spare ‘fugees can be bought separately.

Marbles: Everyone had marbles back in the day. The little small ones were common, everyone had a few ‘gulleys’ but the top o’ the line were ’steeleys’ (I remember there used to be a fine marbles shop opposite Stillorgan shopping centre). I’m not quite sure what you could do with marbles, to be honest, I really just remembered the word ‘gulleys’ and wanted to use it. Sorry.

Trival pursuit: Kids form a gang and chase somebody for a minor offence.

Fuzzy felt: A great favourite from years ago, we used to make delightful pictures from pieces of sticky felt. In this game, aimed at priests and swimming coaches kids are given small beakers of rohypnol and felt up. Then, despite their mind being all fuzzy, they have to point out the offender from a line up.d

Etch-a-sketch: Leady goodness in a red casing. This time there’s a twist, unless the user makes a perfect circle the unit will self-destruct. Batteries and plastic explosives included.

Sea Monkeys: If you ever had these things you’ll know that you dump a packet of powder into some water, wait and you get these little sea monkey creatures swimming about your tank. They ususally last a week or two before they all start dying and nobody realises the incredible agonies of a sea monkey’s death, but nevermind. However, what if we could grow real monkeys which we could then use for helping around the house, taking the dog for a walk and representing Ireland in the European parliament. Worth thinking about.

Operation: In an effort to clean up some of the homeless people on the street they’re drugged and brought to a massive convention centre where the 2005 Irish Operation Contest takes place. Kids have to remove the funny bone, bread basket, Adam’s apple et al before the bottle of Paddy’s used as anaesthetic wears off.

So many old games, so many new uses. And I haven’t even begun to think about the Spirograph, Stylophone or Action Man.