Jail a pensioner week

by Twenty Major on November 23rd, 2004

Hey, Irish Government, I have an idea.

Let’s find a 76 year old woman who can’t afford to pay a €200 euro fine for not having a dog licence and let’s, for the laugh, chuck her in jail for a week.

At the same time let’s find a number of men every week who download and distribute child pornography and, this is where it’ll be really funny, let’s just fine them a meaningless amount of money and let them stay out of prison to continue downloading, wanking to and sending on this kind of filth.

What do you think? You like the idea! Great.

Regards, you utterly clueless fuckwits.

Twenty Major.

Theme park woes

by Twenty Major on November 22nd, 2004

I never even knew it existed but apparently there was a kid’s theme park called ‘Poga’s World’ in Goffs, Kill, Co Kildare. Not for much longer because it’s closing down. Probably because nobody knew anything about it. I wonder if it’s too late to save the day, because if not I have a list of new attractions that might just turn the fortunes of the place around.

Virtual Playstation: The latest in high-tech wizardry sees kids don virtual reality glasses and enter a world in which they control a kid playing a games console.

Virtual outdoors: With rapists, kidnappers and child molesters lurking at every corner it’s no longer safe for the children of Ireland to outside and play. This marvellous new attraction sees the kids don the VR glasses again but this time it takes them into a world of wonder. Green grass, blue skies, birds singing, the lot. They can play football, chasing, kick the can and even do knick-knacks on the virtual houses. What greater thrill than ringing somebody’s doorbell and running away as fast as your little legs can carry you.

Punch an owl: Vicious barn owls are tied to fences and the kids have to try and punch the owl in the face before the owl tears their face off with his talons

Joyride dodgems: To prepare them for the rigours of teenage life the kids have to steal a car then drive it like mad around a specially designed urban track. Points will be awarded for hitting pedestrians and achieving paralysis when they crash into a wall.

The Ghost train: Similar to the old classic but instead of ghosts, skeletons and vampires the kids are terrified by priests, Darina Allen’s husband and Gerry Ryan asking them to do another series of School around the Corner.

Ring toss: No, nothing to do with anal masturbation, but another variation on the ever popular fun fair game. Illegal immigrants are made stand on a platform which revolves clockwise. The kids then throw large hula-hoops (plastic ones, not potato based snack) and if their hoop makes it over the head of the immigrant and ends up lying flat on the ground they get to keep the immigrant as a slave.

Resident evil: The kids are sent to an exact replica of a 1950s residential home. First one to make it out with being beaten or sexually abused wins a prize.

Merry-go-round: Only for under 12s this attraction sees the kids drinking a flaggin of cider then they have to go round with their mates being destructive and trying not to vomit the minute they get home.

I think with these new rides and attractions in place there’s a bright future for Poga’s World. It’s just a shame no fucker ever asks me for my opinion before they build these things.

€130 to see Elton John

by Twenty Major on November 20th, 2004

Cripes. I can remember paying £15 to see U2 in Croke Park in 1985 and thinking that was pretty expensive, but €130 to see washed-up old cabaret star Elton? That’s mental. Here’s my list of things I’d rather spend €130 on than Elton John tickets:

- I could get 13 haircuts at my local barber.

- I could buy a pair of top class gardening shears in Atlantic Homecare then pay a tramp the balance to cut my ears off with them

- 13000 fizzy cola bottles

- I could sponsor 2 donkeys for a year and have the donkeys fight to the death in a donkey death match

- I could buy a large bag of coal, start a fire and then catapult the hot coals towards Elton’s head hopefully setting his wig on fire

- I could pay a Taiwanese photographer to follow Elton around all day screaming ‘Yerrow blick load’ at him, making Elton go mad

- I could buy enough sleeping pills to kill myself

- I could get two grammes of cocaine and then kidnap Elton and make him snort the cocaine whilst drinking lots of alcohol setting him a path to destruction from which he’d never recover

- I could purchase the archive pages from The Daily Mirror for the day when Elton married a woman and the whole world laughed out loud.

- I could bribe his chauffer and instead of driving Elton to the concert venue I’d take him Jury’s cabaret and make him perform there in the place of Tony Kenny or Red Hurley.

So many things you could do with €130 rather than spend it on Elton John tickets. Come on people. Spend your money on something good. Not Elton.

I’m back, so I am

by Twenty Major on November 19th, 2004

Sorry about my enforced absence yesterday.

What happened was this. Wednesday night I went out to the pub to have a couple of swift pints and a look at the England v Spain football match. I met my old friend Charlie down there and he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. Charlie keeps racing pigeons and it turns out he lost his star racer when it flew into the side of Liberty Hall and broke its neck. Someone contacted him via the tag on the pigeon’s leg to tell him the bad news. As well as that his wife had insisted on Charlie giving her some good loving before he was allowed out of the house. God love him. Charlie’s wife is a lovely woman but there are places I’d never put my tongue, like up a goat’s arse, into a roaring hot fire and anywhere near Charlie’s wife.

So he needed more than a few to get himself straightened out again.

Then along came Dirty Dave, another regular in the pub, who’s so fucking dirty he’s like that character from Charlie Brown with all the flies around him. Not only does he stink he has a foul mouth and likes to tell the most offensive jokes you ever heard. I won’t give you an example but the site of Mary Harney with a strap-on raping a kitten would be less offensive. So in order to counter the smell and to drown out Dave’s rancid waffling we had to follow each pint with a Jameson’s.

At some stage much later on we found ourselves at the local chipper. I decided to have a large bag of chips and a battered sausage. I now know the sausage was not a sausage at all but was the deep fried penis of some plague carrying whale. That’s the only way I can explain the explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting I suffered all day yesterday. Suffice to say my stomach is now filled with nothing but stinky air and acid and my arse is glowing red like a baboon’s due to the hot lava that erupted from it.

So, who fancies a pint tonight then?

Grand Theft Auto

by Twenty Major on November 17th, 2004

Parents groups are complaining that the latest offering in the GTA series, San Andreas, is full of violence as well as images and situations unfit for young children.

That’d be why it has an 18 rating slapped all over then. The other thing to bear in mind is, IT’S A FUCKING GAME! I don’t buy this crap about games influencing kids. Not normal kids anyway. You didn’t see me try and jump over pixelated flowers and and walls whilst humming ‘If I were a rich man’ when I played Manic Miner on my trusty ZX Spectrum. Nor did I suddenly find myself surrounded by insects in some kind of Ant Attack. I was unable to Jet Pac either.

I played the games though. I’ve also played the GTA games. They don’t make me want to steal cars, shoot people in the face, go on rampages with rocket launchers or anything else. That’s what games are for. So you can do stuff you’d never do in real life.

Anyone who plays a game like GTA, San Andreas and then thinks ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be cool to steal a cadillac, pick up an UZI and do a drive-by shooting outside my local Tescos’ has something wrong with them to begin with. It’s not the game’s fault.

Anyway, there’s an easy solution for parents who don’t want their kids to be affected by these things. Simply lock your children in the attic until they reach 18, then let them out into the world where they’ll instantly adjust to all the terrible things that happen in real life which you can’t just click ‘restart’ and make better.

Problem solved. Idiots.

Band Aid are ripping us off

by Twenty Major on November 16th, 2004

You can’t help but have noticed that the Band Aid song ‘Do they know it’s Christmas?’ was re-recorded over the weekend with modern pop stars. And Bono.

Can’t help but thinking it’s a bit of a rip-off. It’s the exact same song, just sung by bigger cunts than 20 years ago. You don’t need me to tell you that Sting, Spandau Ballet and Paul Weller are absolute cock-knockers of the highest order, but was there any need to replace them with The Darkness (I’d love to show them darkness and lock them in a dungeon for a 100 years the screechy wankers), Coldplay bloke (who you just know is going to release a book of baby poetry or something) and Damon fucking cunting wanking shitbag pissface snoteating bastardneck Albarn?

No, I don’t think there was any need. A bit of PR, a re-release of the old single and everyone would be happy. It’s all well and good for Bob Geldof and Marge Ure to tell us to ‘BUY DA FOCKIN’ RECORD’ as they sit in their mansions with their butlers and foot masseuses and Indonesian love slaves. We already bought the ‘FOCKIN’ RECORD’ 20 years ago.

If you want me to buy a new ‘FOCKIN’ RECORD’ might I suggest you ‘WRITE A NEW FOCKIN’ SONG’.

Anyway, the saddest thing of all is that all these people were in the one place and nobody had any semtex lying around. Truly a missed opportunity.

I had a friend

by Twenty Major on November 15th, 2004

I had a friend who used to go to nightclubs and vogue. He stopped when I punched him in the testicles one night. It was no less than he deserved.

I had a friend whose Dad was the manager of the Republic of Ireland football team. He took us to the cinema one day to see Ghostbusters and made me pay my own way. I was 11.

I had a friend who was cycling along and got a bee in his mouth and the bee stung him and he crashed into a wall.

I had a friend who stole a giant ice cream cone from outside a newsagents one night. He walked from Terenure to Templeogue then got stopped by the police who made him walk all the way back to return it.

I had a friend who punched a horse in the face and hurt his hand.

I had a friend whose father told us he was an assassin and he’d kill anyone we wanted for £50.

I had a friend whose father went mad at me for teaching his son swear words like ‘cunt’, ‘fucker’ and ’shitbag’. In hindsight I suppose it must have been awful hearing your five year old use words like that.

I had a friend who ate a centipede. Then vomited on a girl.

I had a friend who tore his scrotum open on the gear stick of his Raleigh Chopper.

I had a friend who got his winkle stuck in the top of a shampoo bottle whilst masturbating in the bath.*

I had a friend who was an altar boy. He had fun by deliberately ringing the bell at the wrong time during mass.

Did you have any friends?

*Not a friend per se. He was in the same class and the story was legendary. For the last two years of his school life he was known as ‘Bottler’.

It’d make you blubber

by Twenty Major on November 15th, 2004

This weekend it emerged that yet more sea creatures were callously killed off the south west coast of Ireland.

Gardai believe they now have a sealial killer on their hands.

Book of condolences for Yassar Arafat

by Twenty Major on November 13th, 2004

D-d-d-dear Ya-yassar,

Oi’m terrible sorry yer after dyin’ an’ all dat. It must be …erm…bleedin’ rotten, so it must. A-a-anyhow, on behalf of de people of Oirland ..er…Oi’d just loike ta say best of luck wherever it is ya end up…er…whedder dats heaven or …erm…hell, loike.

P-p-p-peace, brudder.

B-b-b-bertie.

Dana’s media career

by Twenty Major on November 12th, 2004

After a pathetic and failed attempt at the Presidency it now appears Dana, former Eurovision winner, is hoping to make a new career in the media.

A devout Christian and utter loony, here are some shows that Dana could present:

Dana’s Micro Quiz-m: Dana invites families to appear on her quiz show during which she wears a micro-mini skirt with no knickers, a pair of knee length leather boots and no top. The first family to make either of her nipples erect wins a luxurious two week stay in Corballis caravan park in North County Dublin.

The Late Late Show: Dana spends 3 months having sex with total strangers across the country and then appears on the television. Shown her newly forming bump viewers have to guess how late her period is.

Wanderly Wagon: Dana is injected with morphine and dumped somewhere in the country. A camera strapped to the top of her head beams back her endless wandering to the studio with hilarious results.

Den TV: Dana is flown north and in reality TV style is made live in a den with some arctic foxes and Aonghus McAnally. Whichever of the two celebrities lasts longest without suckling from one of the mother foxes for sustenance wins the grand prize of a two week stay in Corballis caravan park in North County Dublin.

The Riordans: Dana meets Seamus, Tadgh, Caoimhín, Peadar and Cormac Riordan, a group of traveller brothers. She sets out a series of physical and mental challenges for them which involve basic addition, slicing each other open and pounding each other with great planks of wood. Dana marries the winner and lives in the Mansion House for a year with Osbournes style TV footage going out nightly.

Bosco: Two teams are given a 2′x2′ box each. Whichever team manages to cram the most of Dana into their box wins the star prize, a two week stay at Corballis caravan park etc etc.

Kenny live: Dana joins MOR and light jazz star Kenny G in a musical extravaganza by playing the oboe with her minge.

RTE Guides: RTE is evacuated and fenced off. A lunatic serial killer is let loose in the grounds with an arsenal of weapons and his mission is to hunt down Dana and the troop of Girl Guides hiding somewhere in the complex.

School around the corner: Dana greets a group of 5 and 6 year old children in a small hut. Not 200 yards away is the front entrance of their school, it’s just around the corner. But along the way the kids will encounter Komodo dragons, wolves and Darina Allen’s husband. Will any of the kids make it to school? Tune in to find out.

That should keep her busy for a while, don’t you think? Any other suggestions?