Things you shouldn’t do

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on November 26th, 2004

- Get very drunk and then agree to drinking a pint of custard in 10 seconds or less as a bet. The €5 you win won’t make your stomach feel like it isn’t gestating some kind of multi-toothed, entrail eating spawn of Satan.

- Put your hand up in class and call the teacher ‘Mum’.

- Rush into a public toilet because you’re desperate to sit down, so much so you’re touching cloth, without first checking to see if there’s any toilet paper.

- Pass wind during a meeting at the exact same time as one of those inconvenient silences happens. If this occurs it is imperative that you turn and stare incredulously at the person beside you.

- Send an email to which you’ve accidentally replied to all, rather than just the sender, calling your boss and his bosses ‘Piss drinking cocksuckers.’

- Trip up a little boy as he’s running up the stairs in your school causing him to crack his head off the marble steps and knock himself out.

- Tell anyone your real name on the internet. You’ll get stalked.

- Put your cat in the tumble drier.

- Watch the Eurovision Song Contest whilst tripping on acid.

- Underestimate the awesome comedy powers of monkeys.

- You certainly shouldn’t find out Michael McDowell’s address and send him pizzas, Chinese meals and leave flaming bags of poo on his doorstep. That would be wrong.