Theme park woes

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on November 22nd, 2004

I never even knew it existed but apparently there was a kid’s theme park called ‘Poga’s World’ in Goffs, Kill, Co Kildare. Not for much longer because it’s closing down. Probably because nobody knew anything about it. I wonder if it’s too late to save the day, because if not I have a list of new attractions that might just turn the fortunes of the place around.

Virtual Playstation: The latest in high-tech wizardry sees kids don virtual reality glasses and enter a world in which they control a kid playing a games console.

Virtual outdoors: With rapists, kidnappers and child molesters lurking at every corner it’s no longer safe for the children of Ireland to outside and play. This marvellous new attraction sees the kids don the VR glasses again but this time it takes them into a world of wonder. Green grass, blue skies, birds singing, the lot. They can play football, chasing, kick the can and even do knick-knacks on the virtual houses. What greater thrill than ringing somebody’s doorbell and running away as fast as your little legs can carry you.

Punch an owl: Vicious barn owls are tied to fences and the kids have to try and punch the owl in the face before the owl tears their face off with his talons

Joyride dodgems: To prepare them for the rigours of teenage life the kids have to steal a car then drive it like mad around a specially designed urban track. Points will be awarded for hitting pedestrians and achieving paralysis when they crash into a wall.

The Ghost train: Similar to the old classic but instead of ghosts, skeletons and vampires the kids are terrified by priests, Darina Allen’s husband and Gerry Ryan asking them to do another series of School around the Corner.

Ring toss: No, nothing to do with anal masturbation, but another variation on the ever popular fun fair game. Illegal immigrants are made stand on a platform which revolves clockwise. The kids then throw large hula-hoops (plastic ones, not potato based snack) and if their hoop makes it over the head of the immigrant and ends up lying flat on the ground they get to keep the immigrant as a slave.

Resident evil: The kids are sent to an exact replica of a 1950s residential home. First one to make it out with being beaten or sexually abused wins a prize.

Merry-go-round: Only for under 12s this attraction sees the kids drinking a flaggin of cider then they have to go round with their mates being destructive and trying not to vomit the minute they get home.

I think with these new rides and attractions in place there’s a bright future for Poga’s World. It’s just a shame no fucker ever asks me for my opinion before they build these things.