I’m back, so I am

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on November 19th, 2004

Sorry about my enforced absence yesterday.

What happened was this. Wednesday night I went out to the pub to have a couple of swift pints and a look at the England v Spain football match. I met my old friend Charlie down there and he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. Charlie keeps racing pigeons and it turns out he lost his star racer when it flew into the side of Liberty Hall and broke its neck. Someone contacted him via the tag on the pigeon’s leg to tell him the bad news. As well as that his wife had insisted on Charlie giving her some good loving before he was allowed out of the house. God love him. Charlie’s wife is a lovely woman but there are places I’d never put my tongue, like up a goat’s arse, into a roaring hot fire and anywhere near Charlie’s wife.

So he needed more than a few to get himself straightened out again.

Then along came Dirty Dave, another regular in the pub, who’s so fucking dirty he’s like that character from Charlie Brown with all the flies around him. Not only does he stink he has a foul mouth and likes to tell the most offensive jokes you ever heard. I won’t give you an example but the site of Mary Harney with a strap-on raping a kitten would be less offensive. So in order to counter the smell and to drown out Dave’s rancid waffling we had to follow each pint with a Jameson’s.

At some stage much later on we found ourselves at the local chipper. I decided to have a large bag of chips and a battered sausage. I now know the sausage was not a sausage at all but was the deep fried penis of some plague carrying whale. That’s the only way I can explain the explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting I suffered all day yesterday. Suffice to say my stomach is now filled with nothing but stinky air and acid and my arse is glowing red like a baboon’s due to the hot lava that erupted from it.

So, who fancies a pint tonight then?