Nothing to do? Let’s get pissed.

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on October 27th, 2004

Desperate for something to do on a Saturday night after everyone is kicked out of the clubs and pubs at the same time it appears people are throwing themselves into the River Liffey for dares.

A senior officer at the Dublin Fire Brigade reckons they’re dealing with at least ten cases every week. This also puts a strain on the ambulance services because it’s fucking freezing in there and the jumpers are coming out with hypothermia. Given the state of the River Liffey I’d do some checks for Ebola and those little killer fish that swim down the eye of your mickey.

I suppose the reason there’s such a drinking culture in Ireland is that there’s fuck all else to do. The weather is shite so all you can do is head for a bar or restaurant and then onto a club if you’re feeling up to it. Isn’t it about time that the government did something about this? It’s not as if they’re sitting around waiting to see if the weather will improve so they can offer healthy outdoor activities. That’s just not going to happen, so I’ve come up with a few ideas that will give people something to do rather than going out and getting pissed all the time.

1 - Demolish Trinity College and build dozens of 5-a-side football pitches with that cool new astroturf that doesn’t strip the skin from you if you happen to fall over. This stuff is almost like real grass. Obviously you’d have to pay for your pitch, but what’s €25 for an hour between 10 people? Nothing. Money raised could be spent on the maintenance of the pitches, the upkeep of the Book of Kells (which would be laminated, divided into separate pages and put up above the urinals so everyone could have a read) and for burning the bodies of dead tramps. This scheme also has the added bonus of ridding the city of thousands of wanky students.

2 - Put a tightrope between the that tall building - whose name escapes me but the Daniel O’Connell pub is just to right of it - on Eden Quay and the Baileys sign on the opposite side of the river. Put up an initial prize of €10,000 for anyone who can cross and charge €10 a go. Each entry adds to the prize fund. To make it more interesting invent a special cannon that shoots basketballs at the contestants as they try to make it across. I haven’t yet decided about safety nets although if they were to be used some kind of fabric that conducts an electrical current would be ideal because not only would you see them fall, you’d also see them getting zapped with an almost fatal charge of electricity afterwards.

3 - Do a ‘How long can you go without your mobile?’ challenge. Take ten teenagers and put them in a room with only books for entertainment. Last one to take out their mobile to txt one of their friends, make an inane phone call or try to play classic arcade games on a screen smaller than their brains wins a prize. A year’s supply of books from Easons. They think they’re playing for a year’s unlimited credit in their mobile. If they complain they get punched in the face. With an anvil.

4 - Invent a new TV show called ‘Justin Thyme’ where teams of contestants have to scour the country looking for people called Justin. When they get 5 Justins they have to disembowel them and stuff them with thyme. To avoid capture any Justin can use high powered weapons of their choice, including handguns, swords and the music of Enya.

5 - Instead of tying a piece of paper to leg of a racing pigeon, parents see if their child can become famous by tying their newborn infant to the legs of specially trained condors who race from town to town. Upon landing in each town the child is tattooed with a mark to prove they’ve landed. First condor-child team back at base wins.

6 - Beat the junkie - Heroin addicts are lured from their lairs with the promise of free drugs and clean underwear. Once they emerge from their underground caverns they’re set upon by teenaged schoolgirls armed with bats. They proceed to batter the junkies to within a specified measurement of their lives. If one team succeeds in beating a junkie to within an inch of their lives they can claim the prize of a night with Brian McFadden.

And those are just off the top of my head. Any suggestions?