Gardai to give trouble-makers a buzz

Posted in Old blogger by Twenty Major on October 20th, 2004

I read this morning in The Independent (and at this point I’d like to point out that I never buy the filthy rag but am not averse to reading it when it’s free and I don’t have the back of a cereal box handy) that Gardai are adding ‘tasers’ to their weapons arsenal.

Now, in Ireland the normal policemen don’t carry guns. Only the special squads, known as Mega-Gardai or Gardai Plus, carry guns. The police chiefs are worried about these lads having guns because they rarely get a chance to use them and the minute they see any kind of mentaller they shoot the fucker dead on his own doorstep. So the ‘tasers’, which shoot an electric current into an attacker, incapacitating him for a few minutes, are thought to be the answer.

They’re a good idea if you ask me, and they should be issued to all Gardai. Using these would put some manners on the drunken louts that plague our city.

Imagine the scene. It’s 2.45am on a Sunday morning. Hundreds of culchies are coming out of CopperFace Jacks on Harcourt Street. There’s a disagreement. Perhaps Mickey-Joe has been having an affair with Seamus’ sister. There are some shovel-handed punches thrown. It’s all getting a bit out of hand. Along come the Gardai, they taser whoever’s involved and leave them lying in a pool of their own piss and vomit on the side of the road. Don’t you think the lads would think twice about fighting the next time?

Another scene to imagine, if you will. A group of crusty, unwashed ‘Reclaim the Streets’ (reclaim the streets from what exactly? The giant ants that terrorise us all? Fuck off.) types are marching up Dame Street. They’re singing, there are fuckers chanting, the possibility of catching head lice is greater than ever before and there are baggy-panted, dreadlocked little pricks from Foxrock and Malahide (who after reclaiming the streets will go home to Mammy and Daddy’s €750,000 house to watch Sky+ or play their Playstations or XBoxs while downloading the latest films on their high speed internet connections) who are playing the fucking bongos. Maybe there’s a right time and place for the bongos, but I’ve never encountered it yet.

Along come the Gardai. “Taste my feckin’ taser Tarquin. Howd’ya like this Lorcan? Eat my volts, Vincent.

The bongos stop. Without the bongos these cunts are powerless. To these new fangled hippy types the bongos are like Samson’s hair. How do they know which sub-Jester dance step to do without them? More lying on the street in their piss and puke (although with some of them it’d be hard to know the difference between before and after), the traffic can move again and the streets have been reclaimed from the nasty infestation they’d suffered before.

It’s so simple when you think about it. There’s no long-term damage to anyone, they just get a short sharp lesson on how to behave.

Taser up the Gardai now. You know it makes sense.