Nanny state

by Twenty Major on September 30th, 2004

Can’t smoke, can’t drive really fast down country roads after a rake of pints, now they want to close all nightclubs at 1.30am so the pissed culchies can fight each other then instead of at 3am like they normally do.

Take a few moments to read this - Give us the night

10 things that have happened to me on the 15B

by Twenty Major on September 30th, 2004

Despite Bagatelle’s lauding of the 46A everyone knows the best bus route in Dublin is the 15B. College Street to Rathfarnham via Rathmines, Terenure and Templeogue. I can’t count how many times I’ve taken this bus, but here’s a few of things that have happened to me:

I’ve run my arse off to get the last bus only to have to get off around Bushy Park because I’ve drunk too much beer and needed to piss.

I once farted and followed through. Luckily I was wearing dark trousers and there was a baby near me so everyone thought the terrible stink came from him.

During the first Gulf War my friend got up and gave a live address as if he was a CNN reporter to the whole bus. People clapped when he finished.

I saw one of my neighbours getting off with her brother. For non-Irish, getting off means kissing. With tongues.

I invented the world’s greatest invention. It came to me in a flash but by the time I’d arrived at my stop I’d completely forgotten it.

Going up Rathgar Road towards Terenure we were stuck in traffic. A 15B going into town was also stuck in traffic directly opposite our bus. I saw a girl looking at me and motioned to her that I wanted her to tap the bloke in front of her on the shoulder as he was a friend of mine. When she tapped him on the shoulder I looked away and she looked like an eejit.

I heard about Kurt Cobain’s suicide.

I heard a woman on a mobile phone tell her husband, ‘You better get your arse ready. I’ll be home in 10 minutes.’

I have fallen asleep on Christmas Eve having been out drinking the whole night previously and travelled to Rathfarnham and all the way back into town. I feel asleep on the way back to Rathfarnham again but luckily I woke up in time to get off.

I found a money clip containing £195. I spent that money on a crackingly good night out drinking vodka and cokes in Club Sarah.

The 15B. The best bus route of all time. Ever.

What happens if I do this?

by Twenty Major on September 29th, 2004

Just testing this old blog thing out a bit. I’m not exactly the most technically minded sort of person. I remember somebody giving me a digital watch with a calculator on it when they were all the rage back in the early 80s. The fact that you needed fingers as small and thin as as Michael Jackon’s boyfriend’s prick to use the fucking thing never seemed to be an issue with anyone.

Speaking of small pricks I see that Michael McDowell is saying he’ll have prisons drug free by the end of next year. I’m assuming he’s just going to execute every prisoner in the country because he’s talking out of his arse, as usual. Drugs in prison are like birds in the summertime, Santa at Christmas and politicians in brothels. They’re just a well accepted fact of life and let’s be honest, if you were stuck inside for 20 years wouldn’t you want something to pass the time?

We all know that people do stupid stuff when they’re bored. When kids are bored they set fire to stuff, break stuff, chase foreign stuff down the Royal Canal and beat them half to death. It’s the same for prisons. When the prisoners are bored they try and make trouble. I’m saying that if they were all off their boxes there wouldn’t be half the hassle there is.

Here’s my suggestion. For breakfast give them a shot of morphine. After that they’ll do what the guards say and they won’t have the inclination or energy to answer back. Once the morphine and the 3 hour nap has worn off give them a tab of acid for lunch. None of those strawberry ones, Microdots are what the cunts need. Then just lock them up and let them trip out staring at the walls. That’ll bring us nicely up to late evening when a couple of jellies or another shot of morphine will bring them down, send them to the land of nod and they’ll wake up fresh and ready for more drugs the next day.

This government is so short-sighted. Maybe I should run for office.

Hello

by Twenty Major on September 29th, 2004

This is Twenty Major from Dublin.

You might see me around the streets from time to time and although I look like a homeless, smelly old fucker, I’m not. Don’t come near me though. I bite.