twenty is an annoying cunt so happy christmas
by Twenty Major on December 24th, 2008
this is dirty dave. twenty thinks his password is hard to crack but he’s a spa.
everyone knows its his favourite colour, his favourite musical genre and his favourite body part. ‘pink acoustic folk prostate’ is what got me in.
he’s been taking this retirement thing very seriously you know which means he’s sitting around in rons going on and on and on and on about the shite he used to go on and on and on and on about on here.
we’re thinking of having an intervention. even jimmy says he’ll intervention him right in the chops if he doesn’t shut the fuck up. he was bad enough before but now that he doesnt have his blog he’s even worse. if he wasn’t under 24 hour armed guard by his publishers i think he’d be dead now.
anyway, i’d better go before he somehow finds out its me that’s done this. this is deep undercover mole deepthroat signing off.
have a happy christmas suckers.
The forum is open
by Twenty Major on October 9th, 2008
Register today: The forum
Time takes a cigarette, puts it in your mouth
by Twenty Major on September 30th, 2008
This blog began exactly four years and one day ago.
Since then a whole lot of words have been written and read by countless scoundrels in many countries throughout the world. Thousands of comments have been left, many, many people have been called a cunt.
But, all good things come to an end, and even bad things come to an end too, which is why from today I will no longer be updating the blog. I may pop in the odd post from time to time, more than likely to give info about book two, but there will be no more regular posting.
No more stupid questions from Dirty Dave, no more Stinking Pete putting odd things up his urethra, no more Jimmy being a Bollix, Lucky knocking people off, Splodge splodging around or no more Guinness from Ron. Many of you will also be glad to know there will be no more excruciating puns based on 80s pop music.
I have to say I have thoroughly enjoyed writing this blog. It’s been a creative outlet, often cathartic and it has done many good things for me. I would never have written a book without this blog, I certainly wouldn’t have written two of them (well, one and seven-eighths ed!). I was proud to win an award at the very first Irish Blog Awards, I never thought I’d win Best Blog for three years in a row. Neither did Mulley, I bet, haha.
I loved the anonymity of it and the little bit of mystery it caused. Grainne Seoige asking Una and Sinead Gleeson ‘Just who is this Twenty Major?’ on the TV that day, as if I were the Scarlet Pimpernel, still tickles me to this day. I liked the fact that almost every single Irish blogger respected that anonymity when it would have been a piece of piss to blow it out of the water. I’m very grateful for that.
I loved getting new readers, I liked making people laugh, people groan (at shit puns, not anything else), making people a bit sick, making them a bit emotional, but most of all entertaining people. I know there are those out there that didn’t, and still don’t, like it, but blogs are just like Fair City. You can turn if off if you think it’s a load of old bollocks. Nobody is forcing you to read it. I hope that those who read the blog regularly enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it - and I hope the many people who claimed to hate it but still read it enjoyed it like a dose of the fiery scuts.
So why stop? Well, for one thing I think every non-subject specific blog has a limited lifespan. I mean, if you’re writing about politics or football or tech then you’ve got new content every day now and forever. When you’re making up stories it’s more difficult, it becomes harder to think of things you haven’t done, jokes you haven’t made, and so on. It gets to the point where if you were a sitcom and your brain was the team of writers somebody would eventually say ‘Hey, I know! Let’s get a guest star in, that’ll keep things fresh’. I didn’t want a guest star. This blog does not need a Charlie Sheen cropping up to open up new avenues. I don’t want it to be like that.
As well as that I think Irish blogging has changed a lot and I find it very difficult to identify with many of these blogs. They have their own style, and that’s all well and good, but I just don’t think I have anything in common with them. I know that might seem irrelevant but when you have other blogs to spark off, like there were back in the day, then it does make a difference. Of course my blog stands on its own two feet, it always has done and could continue to do so, but I just feel a bit detached from it all. And it’s not that I was ever in it to make friends or be part of a big community. It’s still not a motivation for me despite meeting some top people down the years. Maybe I’m not explaining this well enough but it’s more a vague feeling than anything concrete. For me the vibrancy and excitement of the scene is gone. I’m not suggesting it was better back then, just better for me. There are those that are new to blogging now that are probably experiencing all that vibrancy now and good luck to them. Anyway, whatever it is it’s a very small part of why I’m shutting up shop.
The main reason is that I’ve been doing this non-stop for four years. Creating something nearly every day, trying to maintain standards and I think I’m just tired now. Not of the blog, as such, but just tired of having to blog, if that makes sense. It’s a pressure sometimes, you set the bar high, you win awards, people have expectations. And while it is a motivating factor after a while it becomes hard going. I won’t say a chore because it hasn’t been, I just think it will be if I keep at it and I would hate that. I would hate that something I have loved doing for so long became a thing of high drudgery. It’s time.
I’m also aware that there has, over the years, grown from this site a little community of sorts. When you have people commenting every day then people get to know each other. It’s something that has been hugely important to the success of the site. I think the comments have, to my mind, sparked two of the best days of blogging ever when we did the name changing stuff (see here and here). People were going all day and it was just brilliantly funny. So as much as I try to make things amusing and so on, when your readers engage with you and the other people on the site in that way it’s a bit special.
I could do a bit about my favourite posts but after four years I can’t remember. Sometimes I read back over the archives and think ‘Hah, I don’t remember writing that at all’. Of course my favourites really were all the puns and being called a cunt after a torturous build-up to a shockingly cheesy was always ace.
Despite my curmudgeonly ways I enjoy the comments, the slagging, the crap puns, jokes, the trolls, the people who just didn’t get things, the mock outrage from others, and even recently when we discovered one of the regulars was diagnosed with scary disease 1 it felt kind of real. Like it was a real person that you knew and had met and stuff. So, with that in mind I’ve set up a forum where anybody who wants to can come and register and continue that little community if they would like to. The forum will not be closed down anytime soon, it’d be great if people wanted to get involved so the daily streams of consciousness could continue, but there’s no pressure. Maybe someone else’s blog will get busy and that’s where all the former cool people will congregate (you would be former cool people if you went somewhere else, I’m sure you all know that).
So really it just remains for me to say thank you to everybody for reading, emailing, commenting and taking part in the blog over the years. Thank you to those of you who bought the first book and I hope you’ll enjoy the second when it does come out in February/March of next year. I will update about it on the forum, definitely, and maybe on the blog.
Until then picture me with an handkerchief tied around a stick, Bastardface at my side and Throatripper chasing a condor through the woods, as I walk away into the distance with the end theme from the Incredible Hulk TV series playing.
Goodbye, you wonderful cunts.
This was Twenty Major, September 29th 2004 - September 30th 2008.
There can be only one
by Twenty Major on September 29th, 2008
“Twenty”, said Dirty Dave, “if there was going to be another kind of biblical flood and God came to you (again) and said ‘Twenty, you may save only one animal on this planet’, what animal would it be?”
It got me thinking. I didn’t answer Dave at the time because it was 4.13am and he’d just phoned me up to pose that little question, but the next morning, which is this morning, I had to give it some serious thought.
There are those who would suggest the chicken for it is plentiful, and you can get eggs and meat from them. Eggs are good, chicken is all-purpose for curries, soups, stews, KFC (no, wait, those aren’t chickens), McDonald’s chicken nuggets (no, wait, those aren’t etc etc), roast chickens and their bones make good stock. Chickens are scabby looking cunts though and peck around rather a bit too much for my liking. Plus they’re noisy fuckers and with the lack of foxes then they would soon take over the world. A collective chicken intelligence would reign supreme, kind of like a Fine Gael government.
Then there’s the pig. The delicious bastard pig. Bacon, ham, sausages, pork chops, ribs, snout a l’orange, black pudding, pork bellies with crackling, mmmm. They are good, but they do not provide any secondary meal like the chicken with its eggs. By all accounts pig eggs are rather tart.
The sheep is another possibilty as I am rather partial to good rack of lamb. Or a leg of lamb. Or a lamb shank. Or, erm, hmmmm. I’m not a mutton fan as it goes and while their coats would be handy to make blankets and very scratchy t-shirts the sheep would be way down my list.
There were other very tasty animals I considered too such as the swan, the anteater, the mole and the caterpillar but for me the one true winner has to be the cow. The cow is truly the most delicious of all creatures. You can get steak, steak and indeed more steak from cows. A cut from here is a fillet, a cut from there a sirloin, a cut from elsewhere a t-bone. How versatile, how very fucking convenient. Any animal that can provide you with such variety from its own torso should be saved ahead of all others.
Imagine, you can sit there in your leather coat, drinking a lovely cold glass of milk while eating a huge steak. That is why I would forsake all other animals and save the cow.
And just to make this an equal opportunities post let’s ask the vegetarians if they could only save one vegetable what would it be? Actually, nobody cares about vegetarians and their crazy ways. They are less than human because humans are omnivores, not herbivores and eschewing your omni ways for a herbi lifestyle goes against all that nature intended.
Cows are fucking awesome and anyone who disagrees is probably suffering anemic hysteria.
Should have left well enough alone
by Twenty Major on September 26th, 2008
Sometimes one finds oneself in a hurry and rather lacking in inspiration. At those times it is good to look in ones ‘drafts’ folder.
The ‘drafts’ folder should actually be called ’shit ideas you never actually deleted’ but that would be a bit wordy. So I had a look in there this morning to see if there was something I could cobble together. There was a post about Ronnie Drew (too dead), an idea involving that Aristocrats (seriously, NSFW) joke (too filthy) and one about some kind of election.
Then I saw one called ’surely not’ and thought ‘Aha! This must be something that irked me, caused me ire and such’ but when I opened it, it was completely empty. Why would I save a draft with just a title? That seems rather pointless to me. I must have had some kind of idea but wouldn’t I have at least written something like ‘Monkey blind piss’ in the post I have saved about how Dirty Dave steals a monkey but discovers that it goes around blinding people by doing monkey piss in their eyes (I really must get around to finishing that one off)?
Surely not. Surely not what? What was it? How will I ever know? It is tearing at me now. The not knowing is awful. What surely not?
Dammit. I should have just stayed out of that pesky folder. Although I had forgotten about the blinding piss monkey so perhaps it wasn’t all bad.
Bosses and Facebook
by Twenty Major on September 25th, 2008
I heard on the radio yesterday that, according to some crowd called Peninsula Business Services, 83% of bosses monitored Facebook to see if employees absences for work were genuine.
Yeah right. That sounds like a great load of bollocks to me, especially when 67% of them say they disciplined staff when they discovered they’d been off ’sick’ when they weren’t sick at all.
Now, I’m sure there is the odd moron who will put something on their Facebook like ‘Haha, called in sick today but I’m not sick at all!! ROFL!! Stupid boss is a stupid head, hahaha! :))))))”, but I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of people who use Facebook aren’t that stupid (even though using Facebook is stupid because Facebook is a load of old horse cock).
If someone rings in sick when they’re not really sick they are not going to announce it for the whole world, are they? And why, if there are people like that, would they have their boss as a friend? Unless your boss is actually your friend in real life there’s not much point having him as a friend on Facecunt.
Surveys like that are so utterly worthless that it makes me want to punch owls in the face all day long. Good for Peninsula Business Services who have managed to get their name in the papers and on the radio but I suspect if I was looking for business services I’d look elsewhere because Peninsula Business Services seem to be the kind of people who use Facebook.
I would be quite specific when hiring someone for business services.
“Do you use Facebook?”
“Of course we do. It’s a multi-level social networking phenomenon that allow us to-”
“NEXT”.
“But-”
“I SAID NEXT!”
I bet in reality about 1% of bosses use Facebook to check up on employees. I mean, I’ve been a boss. I know when someone rings up and is lying about being sick. If they say any of the following phrases you kow it’s a lie - “stomach bug”, “24 hour bug”, “must have been something I ate”, “been up all night vomiting”, “smashed 7 vertebrae in a car accident which cost the lives of four others”, and pretty much anything anyone might say to you on a Monday morning about not coming to work is a lie.
You don’t fucking need Facebook to know that. And if you’re a boss don’t you have better things to be doing that cunting around on Facebook? So any boss that does actually use it to check up on employees is a fucking slack cunt who should be fired for wasting valuable company time.
If I was a boss again I would ensure that Facebook was banned from all computers. In the world. Forever.
How to kickstart the economy
by Twenty Major on September 24th, 2008
I recently had a look in my shed and in the spare room and in some other places in my house and I have accumulated an incredible amount of stuff. Stuff I really don’t need.
I’m pretty sure everybody else has loads of stuff in their houses that they don’t need. However, perhaps some people might want some of the stuff I have but don’t need, and others might want stuff others have that they don’t need.
So it strikes me that the best way to do it is to hold a mandatory car boot sale day in which everybody puts the stuff they have but don’t need up for sale. These cash transactions will put more money in people’s pockets which will increase spending and consumer confidence and everything will get better more quickly.
It’s so simple I’m surprised the government didn’t think of it themselves.
1-2-3-4-5, Gardai working overtime
by Twenty Major on September 24th, 2008
So Gardai in Waterford have spent over €400,000 on overtime because of a feud between some traveller families.
That’s a lot of money. Apparently they’re having to patrol the streets ‘day and night’ because of some row over a bare-knuckle boxing fight.
Now, imagine it was a group of Poles fighting against a group of Lithuanians. Imagine 16 year old girls were being shot, imagine that there had been more than ‘100 recorded incidents including public order offences, assaults, arson attacks and gun attacks since the feud erupted on July 12th’.
Now imagine the outrage, imagine the local politicians saying something must be done about these foreigners and their complete and utter disregard for the law. There’d be calls for deportation, stricter immigration procedures and for the police to crack down hard on something which wasn’t just impacting on those Poles and Lithuanians but everyone else as the violence spills onto the streets. No doubt there’ll be all kinds of bleating about ‘racism’ from the cretinous cunts who think travellers are a race but would we put up with this kind of shit from any other group?
Should we put up with this kind of behaviour from anyone? Irish, Polish, traveller, space alien? No. Yet the travellers want to be treated differently, with deference, with respect. We build them houses, they trash them and we have to pay for their upkeep and repairs. They commit crimes and when anyone dares to criticise them for it we get some spokesperson telling us not to tar them all with the same brush. They squat on public land and county councils have to pay millions to get rid of them.
I’m sure there are decent travelling folk but there are a lot of scummy knackers who don’t deserve any kind of respect from society. Feuding over a bare knuckle boxing fight, for fuck’s sake. This is 2008 yet they’re shooting each other because somebody dared to interrupt their passage to an act of pure savagery.
That anybody should hold the local community to ransom like these people have is a disgrace. That Garda resources should be taken up because one bunch of cunts can’t stand some other bunch of cunts is wrong. If they must fight, and it seems they must, let them have at it but in a football stadium somewhere. Last family standing can call themselves the winner and then fuck off somewhere else.
Preferably to a college in Finland.
Book 2 - The cover
by Twenty Major on September 23rd, 2008
Bar anything truly radical happening this looks set to be the final cover for Book 2 - Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
Publication date is around the same as the first one, so towards the end of Feb or early March.